


You Deserve the World

by RiverRhyme



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cheating, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Love Letters, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 04:52:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13563219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverRhyme/pseuds/RiverRhyme
Summary: Hey Maki.I need to get this off my my chest. There's so much that I need to explain to you; about everything that happened.In this letter, you'll find my side of the story of what happened. Hopefully you can forgive me.





	You Deserve the World

**Author's Note:**

  * For [arcanine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanine/gifts).



Don't they say that time heals scars?

 

Then why does it still hurt? 

 

Surely you, with your stupid medical degree, can tell me something like that?

 

Hey Maki? Do you remember our first year as Muse? 

 

In my dying moments, I think I'll look back at that year with my biggest smile. All this superficial Idol bullshit that I go through on a daily basis can never measure up to the excitement and love that I had for Muse. 

 

When you joined as a first year, I was a third year. You wanna know the sad thing about me? Muse was the first friend group that I had in that school. 

 

Yeah. For the first two years, I didn't have many friends. Alright, I had no friends. Sure, I started up an idol group, but the people in it couldn't measure up to what I wanted. The young, naïve me wanted everything to be perfect. Too bad I was a lousy leader. All of them ended up quitting. And I don't blame them.

 

So when the second years came about, ranting about how they were going to save the school, of course I was going to resent them. I so badly wanted to see them fall, as my idol group had fallen. If I couldn't succeed, with all my drive and passion, why should these three random girls, who barely knew what an idol was?

 

Yet somehow, those three girls attracted all nine of us to that auditorium. In a way, it was the first meeting of Muse, wasn't it? 

 

You were there because you had written the music for them, right? It was beautiful. The melody flowed perfectly, giving each girl a chance to shine, complementing them masterfully. Sure, the three of them were impressive, but I remember it was your song that amazed me the most. 

 

I guess it was from that time on that I began to respect you in a lot of ways. I know I was terrible at showing it, the younger me feeling like she had to prove something, but the respect was there. You were always going to go far, no matter what you did. Even if you became an idol, or a doctor, or a songwriter, or even a fucking volleyball player, you'd be the best at it. You just had this natural talent for everything. And that kind of annoyed me.

 

Even though I was older, you just seemed to be better at everything. I can't tell you the number of days on end I spent practicing singing and dancing, trying to be the perfect idol. Blood sweat and tears, until I finally reached a point where I could say that I was good. 

 

Yet you, with your stupidly good looks and stupidly good voice, were just simply better than me. Even though you had never danced before, never sang idol songs, you were just.... Better. 

 

And that sorta pissed me off. But it... It didn't make me respect you less, hell, I didn't even blame you for it. Instead it kinda made me hate myself. 

 

Of course, I didn't do anything brash. If you're expecting a sob story about me cutting myself or considering suicide, you aren't going to find one here. Nico skin is far too soft to damage!

 

But it made me reconsider a lot of thing, made me wonder what the hell I was doing, and if I was even good enough to try. Why should I try when there are people out there with God-given talent. People like you.

 

I guess this is explain a lot about our relationship. You were never the easiest to get along with in the first place. Couple this with my insatiable desire to prove myself, and the out outcome is predictable. We were always going to fight. It was just shitty pairing.

 

Though every time we argued, every time we fought tooth and nail, it wasn't out of anger. For me, it was just trying to.... I dunno, take you down a peg? You were always confident in your ability, and for good reason! But it just meant I had to prove myself more. 

 

What's more, you were unbearably rich. For a kid who's single mother had to raise her and her three younger siblings, that really had an effect, but it's something I can't exactly explain. I used to think that I would be happy when I was an idol. I'd have fame, recognition and wealth. But now I have all these, I've realised something. I hate it. I hate being hit on because I'm famous, or befriended by random people simply because I make a bit of money (I'm being humble, I make a shit tonne of money). Is this what you had to go through when you were in Muse? How could I have blamed you for this? This just mad our arguing more intense, and have more meaning. Not only was I dealing with a more talented girl, but one that practically loved my dreams of being rich and proper.

 

I can't say how long this lasted, because somewhere along the line, the dynamic shifted. Somewhere our arguing turned from fire of fury to fire of.... Dare I say it, love? I mean, there was nothing particularly lovey-dovey about it, but it was more.... flirtatious. I ended up almost enjoying times we would argue, and I could see that you did too. A flicker of amusement would dance behind your eyes as you riled me up, delivering sharp blows to my ego. It was like our version of showing our, well, love. 

 

Saying love in this way is weird. I think it's safe to say that we both had feelings for each other. In fact, I'm certain of it. I just can't really remember when it was established. After a while, our argumentative relationship began to soften into something more personal. More romantic. Before I knew it, I was hugging you when I saw you, going out of my way to see you in your first piano recital, even sending heart emojis in texts (which is a BIG deal to an idol like me!). I especially remember a late night conversation we were having one night, though I can't remember what about. Probably about how amazing I am or something like that. You know, the usual. But the thing I remember most is how that conversation ended. 

 

With a whisper of "I love you".

 

It just sort of slipped out. I both meant it, but didn't. I didn't mean to say it, but I meant it. Quickly I hung up, curl up in a ball and re-evaluated my life decisions. That phone call was never mentioned again. Still to this day, I have no idea if you heard my parting line, or what you said after. Do I want to know?

 

Our relationship sort of took off from there. Casual "I love you"s where thrown about and hugs exchanged. We were sort of a yin-yang duo. Totally different in so many ways, yet we fit together so perfectly. I was dumb; you were smart. I was poor; you were rich. I was stunningly beautiful; you were - oh, I'm kidding. 

 

My favourite memory is when it was my birthday, and I was late to practice. When I arrived, you quickly sprinted over, wrapping me in a warm embrace. Then, with possibly the cutest expression I've seen in my life, realised that everyone was looking at you with confusion. You quickly let go, practically shoving me away (which I still expected an apology for!). Then you stuck out you hand, presenting me with a small red box with a ribbon on it. I nearly burst out laughing when I looked up, seeing you blushing furiously, head turned away slightly while playing with a strand of hair.

 

"Just take the gift already," you muttered in your adorable annoyed voice. "Don't expect me to buy you anything else ever. It's only because it's your birthday."

 

I think I was giddy for weeks after that. The present you got me, the beautiful golden necklace with the small ruby heart (you remember it, right?) still sits on the top of my jewelry cabinet. And let me tell you, it's a pretty fucking huge jewelry cabinet. Did you watch my performance last week? Did you notice that I wore it? I hope you did.

 

It's actually pretty surprising that no one from Muse recognised our weird relationship. I guess no one really knew that we were both bi, so the idea never really crossed their minds. Thus, our relationship remained clandestine. After all, idols aren't allowed to be in a relationship. Can you even call it a relationship if neither of us really acknowledged it? I've said the word "relationship" too many times now.

 

I remember it was also on my birthday that you invited me to the gala your family was hosting. The opening of some new hospital, if I remember correctly. Do you remember pulling me to the side? Do you remember twirling your hair nervously as your gaze flickered? 

 

I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as you were when I said yes. The walls that always surrounded you heart momentarily broke as you leapt into my arms, squealing in delight. Then you settled down and held me close, eyes closed and a smile of content. Scratch the last one, that was by far the cutest expression I've ever seen.

 

So this weird "we both know but aren't going to do anything about it" thing went on as we prepared for the gala. Part of me wonders what would have happened if either of us worked up the courage to do something. Would we have gotten married? Would anything be different?

 

I remember you were so excited for this gala; "something I've dreamt of my entire life," you said. Endless pictures of possible dresses later, you finally decided on one. 

 

"I've found it," you messaged me. You were so excited, weren't you?It's not often that something really gets you riled up, so it was nice to see.

 

But I guess it's always the calm before the storm, isn't it?

 

You know what I'm going to talk about next Maki, don't you? 

 

Yeah...

 

I think if I have one regret in life, it's what I did to you. You deserved the world. How could I have done such a thing?

 

But I guess, let me tell it from my point of view. 

 

It was at my great uncle's funeral. I know, great place to start, but there you go. As I arrived, slightly worried about how underdressed I was (black isn't my color, no one can blame me for not having many black clothes!), that's when I saw her. 

 

I knew her name, and had seen her multiple times, but she stunned me into silence. Her navy beret perfectly complemented her black and blue dress she wore, flowing behind her like silk. Her purple hair was done up in a neat bun, making her look so refined, so elegant. I was nauseous just looking at her, so when my mother made me talk to her, I nearly puked.

 

Erena. Who knew I was related to a member of A-RISE? Is it weird that we sort of dated? You see, the thing is, we weren't realtors by blood, we even made sure of it. Her great uncle was married to my great aunt. No blood relations, no problem? Right? Oh God, why am I saying this, it's totally embarrassing. My younger sister wouldn't stop laughing at it when I told her about it. She told me came from Alabama. What even is that?

 

I remember I was too frightened to even look at her throughout the entire funeral, too scared that I would make a bad impression. She kept throwing glances towards me, like she knew who I was. Like, she was inviting me to talk to her, but wouldn't make the first move. A small game of cat and mouse ensued, lasting the entire day.

 

It wasn't until when we were forced back to my great aunt's house that we were forced to talk. There's very little room in a kitchen, it's hard to avoid someone!

 

I remember I started out with the lamest line I could come up with. 

 

"It's Erena, right?"

 

Oh God, I cringe at the thought of it. But with her polite smile, she easily answered, and from there, we started talking. Eventually, we were kicked out of the kitchen for doing very little in the way of work, so we made our way to one of the many living rooms in my great aunt's house. It's a fucking massive house.

 

Finding a secluded corner beside a lit fire, we began to talk. Mutual friends were brought up, stories of Muse and A-RISE were shared, me being eager to learn as much about her group as I could. There was nothing more that I wanted than to meet Tsubasa and Anju, the rest of the group that I had idolised all through out highschool. Every time she launched into a new story, she inched closer. I didn't complain; why would I? She was gorgeous, and my idol. Why would I say no?

 

"Hey, are you and Maki a thing?"

 

That one question made my blood run cold, and my veins turn to ice. Her inquisitive tone coupled with her slight tilt of the head completely muddled my mind. Why could I not think? Why did I lie? Why did I say no?

 

Her face lit up, and soon her subtle inching turned to feet, then yards. Soon she was in my arms, telling me how her and A-RISE were going shopping, and if I'd like to come. Why would I say no? After all, she was my idol.

 

After more idle chatter, filled with touching of hands and thighs, she asked me. Asked me if I was going to the gala. My eyes nearly popped out of my skull when I heard her ask. How did she know about it? 

 

Tell me Maki, who invited A-RISE, a group of highschool students, to perform at an opening gala for a hospital. A. Fucking. Hospital.

 

This was something I couldn't lie about. Something you had looked forward to for so long, and something I wasn't going to ruin. So I told her. I told her that we were going, but not as lovers, but as friends. 

 

A flash of disappointment behind her eyes, was quickly covered up by a smile.

 

Then she gave me her number. 

 

Eagerly, I whipped out my phone. It wasn't everyday that I got the phone number of my idol. Not only that, but what a contact to have! I'm justifying myself, aren't I? Sorry.

 

Days passed, and me and Erena hit it off. Before I knew it, we were on a date. Before I knew it, my phone wouldn't stop buzzing with her messages. Before I knew it, a message from you disappointed me. Because it wasn't from her. 

 

Most outsiders would see this as alright. They would think that me and you never had anything official, so going off with another girl would be fine. But we both know what A-RISE can be like. I knew what I was getting myself in for, yet I didn't stop myself.

 

You know this as well as I do; those three girls have no problem destroying people. Anything or anyone that gets in their way gets immediately obliterated. They wield their power like a sword, slicing down anyone who dares cross them or aggravate them (also, can you believe I failed Japanese? How's that for a simile!? Or is it a metaphor?). You know this, because you were once on the receiving end of it, weren't you? Weren't they once good friends of yours? Didn't they cause you countless nights of misery and weeping, crying yourself to sleep? Weren't they the real reason you didn't go to ATX? Didn't break your heart? Thought of me going along with the very people who did that to you.... I disgust myself.

 

Yet even knowing that, I went along, ignoring their countless flaws and trying to find the small amount of good in them. Their group often turned their backs in people, and encouraged me to do so aswell.

 

They even made me turn my back on you.

 

When the time of the gala came around, I was excited, more so then I had ever been. My phone lay on my dresser, your messages from last week staying unanswered, as I carefully did my hair. I thought I looked pretty good! I spent a good while picking out a suitable dress, finally settling on a tight-fitting strapless white dress, the sequins on the front shimmering in the light, perfectly picking up my diamond necklace, which I decided on over the red heart necklace you gave me. The only problem was, I was late. Big time.

 

Grabbing my mom, we bolted for the car. A thirty minute drive later, and I finally arrived at the venue. When I approached the grandiose doors after giving my mother a kiss, I noticed you standing in the cold, hugging your slender frame to stave off the cold, your strapless red cocktail dress doing little to protect you from the elements. Your teeth were chattering as you checked you phone, a sad expression playing up on your face. You looked like you would break.

 

Jogging over to you (which was hard in my heels!) I called out your name. Disbelief flooded your expression, morphing to happiness, then content. You were happy to see me. 

 

When I asked what you were doing, I realised. I had your ticket. Even though it was your own family gala, you still wanted to wait for me, so we could go in together. Quickly handing you your ticket, you went to hug me. As your arms snaked around my neck, I stiffened. Slowly and sadly, you detached yourself from me and put on a smile. 

 

Now that I'm thinking about this, I realise. It's not in your nature to do something, is it? It's not in your nature to be so soft, so gentle and so.... Not confrontational. Anyone else, and you would have crewed their face off. Yet because it was me, you said nothing and out on a plastic smile to hide your tears. 

 

God, how could I have done this Maki?

 

As we entered the gala hall, your eyes looked for a table for us to set down. My eyes searched for A-RISE. I immediately locked in to them, making my way over to their full circular table. I was met with cheers as I approached, causing a little pride to well up in my chest. My idols, cheering for me when I entered? What could be better? 

 

The waiters quickly pulled up a chair for me at their table, to which I sat down on. Because I was so late, the starter meal had already been served, and I quickly began eating while telling the table how long it had taken me to get ready, which was met with overwhelmingly positive remarks about how I looked. You know how much I love being complemented. I'm a sucker for that. Did you compliment me? You probably did, I probably just.... Wasn't paying attention. 

 

God, I'm so sorry Maki.

 

The dinner went on for ages, and I had completley forgotten about you. It wasn't until Anju asked where you were that I actually ooked for you. Glancing around the regal ballroom, I spotted you at different table, filled with old looking men and women. I was later told that those were the only seats available. 

 

When the stupid dinner ended, the room was cleared for entertainment. Despite the fact that A-RISE was invited to sing, they only performed once, a slow ballad, to which I also sang with them.

 

I can't imagine how much it hurt you. Seeing me, the person who you liked with he people that rejected and despised you. Maki, I'm so sorry.

 

When they had finished their song, they returned to the ballroom floor. I danced the entire night with Erena. I can only really remember seeing you once the entire night. As I walked to the bar, you quickly grabbed me, asking me to dance with the saddest smile on your face, begging me to say yes. 

 

The words I replied with make me feel sick, even when writing this. 

 

"No. I don't dance. Get off."

 

How? How could you have forgiven me for such a thing? How?

 

The night ended with neither of us seeing each other. Walking out into the night sky with A-RISE, I quickly grabbed Erena and held her close once I noticed she was shivering. Smiling up at me, she placed a chaste kiss on my cheek, making me ears turn red. Tsubasa and Anju quickly yanked her out of my arms, giggling and laughing as they made their way over to their limo. Erena looked back at me and gave me a grin and a blown kiss. 

 

I made my way home with some of A-RISE's friends, who congratulated me on landing a girl like Erena. I remember my chest swelled with pride. Did I feel any guilt though? I can't remember.

 

As me and Erena got more and more serious about our relationships, I flat out stopped replying to your messages. 

 

I remember it wasn't til months afterwards that guilt got the better of me. Consulting Erena first, who said she didn't care, I quickly sent a message to you, apologising for everything. 

 

The worst thing? You told me it was fine.

 

No. No it wasn't fine. What I did to you was not fine. How could you forgive me?

 

Me and Erena lasted for a couple of months. You know as well as I do what happened. They destroyed me too. I won't go in to detail on why and how, but.... I had lost everything. I spent days in my room bawling my eyes out and stress eating a shit tonne of ice cream. 

 

They made my life a misery for the next year. I don't even know how, but so many rumours spread, even turned people in our very own school against me. 

 

When I eventually pushed it all behind me, I then started chasing other girls; easy girls. Usually I had a girl in my bed every week, trying to forget about Erena. It.. it didn't work.

 

While all this was happening, we still had Muse practice together. I was always too afraid to approach you. I was adamant that you hadn't forgiven me for what I did, despite you telling me you had. Hell, even to this day I feel like it still hurts you. It wasn't towards the end of the last year of school that we actually sort of talked. Gone was the once flirtatious arguing, and you seemed to be.. sweeter. How could you treat me so nicely?

 

I guess the last real thing about school was the last concert. The sunny-day parade, you remember, right?

 

You and Tsubasa had been given the task to compose the song that we were to sing. 

 

There's always been a marvelous thing about you. You can always swallow your pride in order to get things done. 

 

Even though she had wronged you in the past, you out that aside to fulfil your duty to Muse. 

 

I remember standing outside the music room, watching you compose the melody, occasionally turning around to Tsubasa to consult her. Why was I there? I... I don't know. I don't know what drew me to stand there, I just..did.

 

Then she approached you. Standing behind you, putting her hand on your back, getting sickeningly close to you. She whispered something to you, didn't she? 

 

I couldn't stand it. What was she doing? Did she hate you? Didn't you hate her? Why were you both blushing? 

 

Why did I feel so hurt?

 

My heart was in my mouth as I watched, willing for you stand up and walk out. But you didn't. 

 

Putting my hand to the door I mentally prepared myself to walk in. I was probably thinking of something snide to say to her while I dragged you out, but in that instant, Nozomi rounded the corner. 

 

You know what Nozomi has always been like. Always able to see into the souls of people, see their weaknesses and greatest desires. But I don't think it was until that moment that she figured it out. In many ways, she knew before I did.

 

I loved you. I still loved you.

 

In an attempt to explain to her, I left my post by the door. To this day I have no idea what happened between you and Tsubasa. You didn't.... Did you?

 

Then came graduation. What a bittersweet moment that still sours my mouth. I should have been happy to leave the school; it caused me so much pain. Why did it have to be the last year that I enjoyed so much? Why couldn't you and all of Muse been third years? 

 

I know that when I was in Muse, I was a stubborn girl who refused to show weakness, but... I cried everyday for weeks in the runup to graduation. Why did it have to end? I just needed more time. 

 

Words can describe the feeling in my chest when I saw you in the crowd. Smiling at me when I received my diploma. Clapping when Eli, Nozomi and I were given special recognition for saving the school. Shedding tears when we cried.

 

It hurt. So much.

 

That night my mother took me out to a restaurant to celebrate. It was hollow.

 

My sights were soon set on university. Who knew that idols had to go to university to study being an idol. I guess Osaka has it all.

 

I had stopped chasing potential lovers. None of them were as close to perfect as you were. During this time, we rarely spoke. Sure, I sent you the occasional message, but your studies came first. I did t want to disrupt them. That was my excuse anyway. Really, I was just too scared to talk to you again. I didn't deserve to anyway.

 

My life soon became my studies. Can you believe it? Who would have thought?!

 

But it was the only thing that could take my mind off of... you.

 

In a way, my studies were a way of running away from my past mistakes, my failed relationships and my desire to fall back into your arms.

 

Days and nights were spent pouring over books, studying dance moves and practicing singing. I even had to write a paper in my favourite idol. Guess who I wrote about? I'll give you a hint; it was you.

 

I don't think I slept for the first year of university. All of it was taken up by my obsession to be an idol. My small flat was never used, instead I slept in the library, usually succumbing to unconsciousness while reading about the latest idol trends. I never ate, for fear of getting too fat, ruining my image as a potential idol. Instead I starved myself, constantly prodding my stomach to see if I had lost any weight. Within a few months, my professor had pulled me aside, handing me a sheet of paper.

 

Yazawa Nico is hereby demanded to take two weeks off for health reasons.

 

Get some goddamned rest Nico.

 

I spent that week alone in my flat. I had never been one for the party life of university, I was far to invested in my studies to do such a thing. But that doesn't mean I didn't drink.

 

Padding to my kitchen in the darkness of the night in nothing but my underwear, I quickly uncorked a bottle of my favourite wine, pouring myself a glass. Glancing at the calendar, I remembered something. Pulling out my phone, I quickly typed a message, my finger stopping before hitting the send button.

 

Happy Birthday Maki. 

 

I quickly sent the message before I deleted it. I went back to drinking.

 

Images of you went through my mind. You laughing. You giving me that gift with the cute expression.

 

You waiting outside in the cold, all by yourself, waiting for me on the night of your dreams. Only to be rejected. 

 

I lashed my body around, hurling a half filled glass against the wall with a shout, blood-red liquid trickling down like tear drops onto the broken shards of glass. The bottle was instead taken up. Fuck the middle man glass. Deep gulps. I don't want to think anymore. Think about me. Think about my mistakes. Think about you. 

 

Nothing really mattered in life in the moment. My studies to be an idol, my family, you, anything. It all seemed so far away. Probably the alcohol, but it was a nice change. 

 

I woke up the next morning on the cold floor. Apparently downing a full bottle of wine in less than ten minutes can be pretty rough.

 

The first year of university ran through without much of a hitch. No drama, not more getting wildly drunk and sobbing myself to sleep. After that one night, all of it seemed to drain from my system. 

 

I backed off from my studies, called my family more and generally began to enjoy myself. You know that Muse group chat we always had? The one that I never went on for about half a year? I started talking on that again, reconnecting with all of our old friends. And you.

 

I think I spent the most time talking to you. Your second year studies were going well; you always were smart. The distance between Osaka and Tokyo was fairly big for a poor university student, so it was rare that I was able to return home. I do remember the first Christmas we spent split up. All of us met again in Tokyo and had that dinner together in that fancy-schmancy restaurant. We talked the entire night. I still felt guilty. 

 

After the night, Hanayo told me that you had been to another gala the week before. Apparently your date got so high on illegal drugs that he was kicked out. Hanayo told me you were pretty torn up about it, because you had liked the guy so much, but couldn't stand to look at him anymore. Why are you so bad at picking dates Maki?

 

The second year passed relatively quickly aswell. The Muse group chat had died down a bit, only really used by Rin, who just posted cat videos. Sure, it was annoying, but they made my day.

 

I would like to say that I made some friends in university, and I indeed I did, but they weren't..... Friends? You know what I mean? Sure, they were people that I knew, people that I talked to a lot, but nothing that was like Muse. No one I could actually TALK to. If I ever had a problem, there was no one I could really go to. Sure, my mom was always available, but I somehow doubt she would want to hear the tale of creepy guys who stalked her daughter. She'd probably demand I come back to Tokyo. 

 

Then third year rolled around. It was one sunny day, near the beginning of term. I had no classes, so I stead I opted to stay in my flat, taking a relax day to relieve myself of some stress. With a glass of lemonade, I made my way to my balcony, which overlooked the grassy park beneath me. Osaka has always been a clean city, with many protected parks which apartments encircle. Laying down on a deck chair, trying to make the most of the tail end of summer, I quickly lit a cigarette. Terrible habit, wish I had never started. I blame the acting course I went on. The character I played was a heavy smoker, and me, thinking I was the best actor in the world, told the team that I would smoke real cigarettes instead of fake ones. I thought that would win me some brownie points, show the director that I was a driven actor. Nope. Instead I got stuck with this addiction. Not really ADDICTION, because I CAN control it, but - wait, I'm getting off topic here.

 

Looking out over the park, a small speck of pink caught my attention. 

 

Anytime I see pink hair, I think of you. I like to tell myself that it's because you were the first pink-haired girl I had met, but really, it's just because it made me miss you. 

 

Standing up to get a better view, I leaned over my balcony, eyes squinted. The girl walking with a guy, not very good-looking, but I guess it's some people's type. 

 

But I recognised the girl. 

 

Calling out her name, she turned around, looking up at me. My eyes went wide.

 

Her eyes widened in shock, soon replaced by a brief moment of happiness. She was happy to see me. Why?

 

Grabbing her friend's hand, she quickly made her way towards my building, grinning like a total idiot. I jogged back into my apartment, buzzing open the door to allow the girl and her friend in.

 

My heart was in my mouth as I scurried around my small apartment, attempting to make it at least presentable. I quickly ran to the mirror, trying in vain to bring she myself up to look decent. The front door seemed so intimidating, so scary, that I couldn't even look at it. Seconds felt like years as I waited for the girl and her friend. Her friend. Who was her friend. I didn't think he was particularly attractive. Perhaps a study buddy? Maybe someone showing her around Osaka? Hopefully.

 

A polite knock snapped me out of my worry, and I quickly leapt to my feet, fixing my hair as best I could. I grabbed hold of the handle with my sweat coated hands and took a deep breath. 

 

Tugging on the handle, I tried to swing the door open, to meet my fate. 

 

Oh wait.

 

The lock was still on. 

 

Fuck sake Nico, you stupid idiot. 

 

My fingers fumbles with the latch, as another knock was heard. 

 

Finally, I swung the door open, immediately met with a crashing hug.

 

It felt so warm. So familiar. So you.

 

Our reunion was pretty tearful, wasn't it? It had been a good two years since we had seen each other. I'm so glad we were able to pick up so easily. Idle chatter about nothing. Where we had been, what the rest of Muse were doing, random stuff that we had missed. Tell me Maki, did you mean to see me? I had told you I was here, didn't I? Why didn't you tell me you had gotten a place in medical school here?

 

My attention soon turned to the man who was giving me so much grief. Your friend. Your Boyfriend.

 

When you told me, did you notice my expression. I... I couldn't stop myself. I felt tears stinging the backs of my eyes, threatening to overflow. My throat went raw and my stomach felt nauseous. 

 

It took me a couple of minutes to regain my composure, but I soon realised something. 

 

You were happy. Your eyes when you looked at him softened, like they had once done with me. Your hands lingered on his knee, and you constantly included him in conversation. 

 

Sadly shaking my head as I heard you retelling how you two met, I realised something. 

 

I had no right to be jealous. No right to be angry. No right to even be sad.

 

I had your heart in my hands once, and I had crushed it. My time had passed and I had failed. Instead of feeling remorseful, I should instead feel happy for you. And in that moment, I finally accepted it all. 

 

I'd like to think that I should take the credit for being such am awesome human being, albeit three years later, but really, it was your smile that made me realise this. I had no more right to be sad. You had found someone now that made you happy. I could only pray that he doesn't make the same mistakes as I did.

 

I wonder if you remember that u excused myself, claiming to get some snacks. Really though, I went to the kitchen to dry my eyes. I was crying. But for the first time in years, they weren't bitter. Tears of happiness and acceptance.

 

Our friendship kicked into overdrive from that moment on, and now we find ourselves in the present. You know how I said I didn't have anybody to really talk to? You filled that hole pretty nicely. We meet up for coffee almost every morning before classes, which is pretty impressive, considering the fact that you're a medical student. Sometimes I see you and your boyfriend walking around campus together, which meets me with a slight tug at the heart, but I soon get over it. It's gotten easier seeing you two together, but part of me wishes I were him. That I got another chance to be with the perfect girl. While I have gotten over my actions towards you during the gala, a faint weight of guilt still lingers. I don't think it's something that I will fully forgive myself for.

 

Even as I wrote this now, you're messaging me, asking if I'm free for coffee this afternoon. It sorta brings a tear to my eye. 

 

You know what I've realised? I've cried so many times in this damn story, it makes me look like a wuss. I AM NOT A WUSS.

 

Just had to get that out of the way.

 

One of the most trying moment for me recently was when you were talking to me about your boyfriend. While normally it doesn't bother me much anymore, this time you were telling me that you were having trouble in the relationship, that you felt he didn't have his full heart in the relationship. Then you asked me for my opinion.

 

Alright Maki, why the hell did you ask me for my opinion on a relationship? You know how badly I my past attempts have went, hell, you were the worst! 

 

More than that though, I was so torn. It's sort of unfair of you to ask me for advice like that.I guess you believe that I stopped loving you, so I would be able to give you an unbiased opinion, but that's so far from the truth.

 

I still desperately want to be with you, and stand beside you as your lover, but I just... Don't know if I could trust myself to take your heart into my hands again. What if I break it again?

 

So I was faced with a decision. Be selfish, and tell you to dump him, so that I could move in, or give you my honest opinion and tell you to keep trying with him.

 

Because I'm the perfect human being, I decided to tell you the truth, and give you my honest opinion of staying with him. Sure, it hurt a bit, but I can live with it.

 

To this day we continue be best friends. Every opportunity we have, we talk about things that annoy us, argue like we used to and generally do what best friends do. But I guess there's always this part of me that misses you. Misses the hugs, the looks of affection. Wishes I was your boyfriend. 

 

But from here we continue. I accept my past sins and how I must repay for them. If this small amount of hurt costs the price of your happiness, I'm willing to pay for it. 

 

Oh, you sent me a text.

 

"Hope you get better soon. <3"

 

Alright, that's unfair Maki.

 

Enjoy your life Maki. You deserve the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo!
> 
> So this is my first fic in the LL fandom! Woo! It probably isn't the best story to start off with, but it's one that very personal to me. I'm not too bothered about how well it does/doesn't do, as it's not in my writing style at all, but something new I'm trying! I have a few things planned, so please keep an eye out!
> 
> Special thanks to arcanine for putting me in this hell, I hate you. 
> 
> Thanks guys! 
> 
> ~RR<3


End file.
